i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
