Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.