12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.