Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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