Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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