I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
