if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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