i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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