i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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