I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
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My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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