I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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