I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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