It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
