got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
