This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
