I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
