Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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