She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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