You smell like stripper and shame
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
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Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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