the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
