Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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