So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
