Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
