You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
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Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
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Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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