Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
