He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
