On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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