i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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