I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
