Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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