True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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