the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
