You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It was confusing and full of hummus
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
