I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This is my gift to your gina
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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