My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
