My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
