new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
