I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
i now understand why vodka
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
