im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize