holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
