why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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