Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
