Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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