Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
