got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
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I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
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I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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