so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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