I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
