I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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