if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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