I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
