I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
where am i from again
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
