I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
