Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
