The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
