I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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