I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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