I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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