dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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