i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
