Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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