My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
