Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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