he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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