a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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