Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
