Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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